Off She Goes

Screaming in the silence of her thoughts. Pallid in the wake of everything that surrounds her. She runs. She scrambles. She feels the presence of a maelstrom brewing. Cries resonating from afar continue to haunt her, the farther she runs, the nearer she hears. 

Ruins of the past flicker. And all the more it reverberates….RUN! RUN! RUN!!! She leaped and bellowed real hard, hoping that all these exist only in the deep recesses of her consciousness. But no, it is hounding, hunting her like a pack of hungry wolves.

She halts, then heaves deeply. Soon she feels she’s falling, free-falling while everything else is numb.

Then there’s silence. Her much needed silence.

Freedom finally becomes her.

 

 

 

Palitaw

Para kang palitaw…lulubog, lilitaw.

Para kang bula, na bigla na lang mawawala. 

Para kang hangin na di mapukaw sa tingin. 

Para kang payaso na minsan nakangiti, minsan nakanguso.

Ano ba talaga ang papel mo sa buhay ko? 

Dadating ka ng wala sa panahon, at

bigla na lang maglalaho kung kelan mo gusto.

Tama na. Ayoko na.  Isa kang palaisipan.

Hindi ako ipinanganak para maging pangalawa sa buhay mo. 

Dahil kung tutuusin, wala kang papel sa mundo ko.

Some Good Things

They don’t really last.

For the past months, I thought I was sailing on calmer seas. Or rather, I was making a steady uphill climb. One. Step. At. A. Time.  This is something that I have worked for (and is still working on) since the beginning of the year. Somehow, there’s a glimmer of hope. That finally, after each careful step, I was finally on my way to reach that goal that I’ve been wanting to reach. 

Then it happened. A deluge of events suddenly pulled me back to where I started. I knew there’s a catch to all these. That sooner or later an anti-climax would tow me out of this temporary euphoria. And I was right. The sudden impact was indescribable, yet I couldn’t feel anything that I’d rather see myself crying than feeling dangerously numb. 

Yes, I think I’m back to square one, it will take doubled hard work before I could be near that purpose again.

Sigh.  

But anyway, I know I have to move on again….and find at least a flicker of thin hope that everything will be fine again.

Sigh. Some good things – never really last.

All in a Day

I took these pictures in one single day. It amuses me how, by just looking around and taking shots (thank God for camera phones!) you’d realize how bizarre, frustrating and (at one point) infuriating it is to live in our beloved country.

Amidst the scorching heat of the sun, and the seemingly endless wait just to get hold of the government subsidized rice….throngs of fellow third world citizens greeted me as I opened our house gate going to work earlier this morning.

Then on my way to work, this “numbered” government plate on top suddenly cut my way. What’s more infuriating is, the vehicle is an SUV, which automatically translates to at least a million peso robbery from our taxes. And to add insult to injury, an equally identical car passed by with an equally “numbered” plate. So make that at least two million off our taxes. Yeah right.

Then after a long day at work, my colleagues and I decided to drop by at a nearby grocery store. So picture this, it’s rush hour, there’s limited parking space, every single vehicle is grappling for a parking space – only to see this. What the f__k! A car occupying two parking slots! And believe it or not, there were two security guards in bicycles roaming around the parking lot! How on mother earth did a moron get a way with this?!

Tsk. What a day indeed.

Making Choices

Have you ever felt like being stuck in a deep sigh? Where you just wanted to heave a deep breath just to make things better? Where you’re so damn confused about certain things and each move you make needs to be assessed and reassessed in such a way that it would all help you steer closer to calmer seas?

It’s one of those days again. Just as I thought that the worst is over, that thinking is already over and done with, here comes change again, for the umpteenth time, out to challenge if there’s still an ounce of resilience running thru my veins or simply out there to see if I’d choose to runaway (again) and be buried inside my comfort zone forever.

I’ve been spending nights on end thinking about options. Listing down the pros and cons and weighing things that matter most. But by doing so I’ve come to realize that I cannot have the best of both worlds. And in as much as I wanted to hold on to things that are important to me, I do have to give up some to be able to move a step forward.

And I know that the more I delay things, the harder it gets; the more I think it over the more complex it becomes; the more people I talk to, the more confused I get.

But still, decisions have to be made. At the end of the day, it is still MY choice.

Sigh. If only life is as simple as saying yes or no

Rope’s End

Sometimes, no matter how much we try, no matter how hard we toil in an attempt to move mountains, things just don’t turn out the way we wanted it to be.

And while encouraging words from friends provide temporary reprieve,  at the end of the day you’re still haunted with frustrations and despair. And you look around to see those pillows and blanket unconditionally willing to keep you company for the rest of the night.

It’s just the second day of the week and how I wish this week’s over already.

I Must. I Must.

This fight to hinder this relentless flab is proving to be tougher as I age.

Ten or so years before, I’d sweat it out and finish a one-hour cardio workout without feeling tired. Nowadays, I find myself puffed, exhausted and wanting to give up during the first 15 minutes of warm up…because I could feel my lungs about to explode, and my heartbeat alarmingly fast.

Ten or so years before, I can immediately pick up the basic steps and remember the next moves during an aero session…..today, I am desperately lost in a sea of synchronized moving bodies.

Ten or so years before, I can instantaneously see the results of weight loss in three or four weeks. These days, I steer clear of the weighing scale for about three months because I never want to see the same weight after killing myself in the gym and after starving to death.

Ten or so years before, I spend almost an entire day at the gym during weekends. Aero here, treadmill there, dumbbells after, then sauna after the dumbbells, then back to the next aero session…..I was always on the go, because I am reminded of the gratifying results in three weeks’ time.

Today, I can barely finish a 40-minute treadmill session. Or if I do, I was so wiped out that I’ll head off immediately to the shower room, dress up and leave. Argh.

Age and Weight. Why do they have to connive to make you look miserable??!! Lol. And why is it that losing weight is synonymous to bleeding – physically and financially.

But then again, the fight is on!

I must….I must….I must lose this awful flab.

I must….I must….I must not give up.

Think….Think….. Think of the monthly fee.