Schizophrenia

The big 40 event is waiting for me in less than two months.

As I mull over my near 40-year existence…..I came up with a a daunting realization that I’ve gained more enemies than friends through the years. Some friends I’ve lost contact with while some, simply drifted apart.

And I find it hard to justify how on earth did I come up with such a number of adversaries….or maybe because I am plain b-i-a-t-c-h.

Or maybe I have disorders – like being bipolar or schizoid. But I don’t wanna know, because the truth (might) hurt.

And it seems my life years are in sync with the quantity of adversaries I have made…each year is equal to one foe at hand.

Awwww….such is life….my sweet-hostile life.

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The Blues.

Today I…..

  1. puffed a few sticks of ciggies while
  2. locked up in the office bathroom .
  3. I  hung out with friends;
  4. as I pigged out over lunch and dinner;
  5. then I took a relaxing tea;
  6. and played with my newly bought cam when I got home and yet, none of these made me feel any better, so I decided to
  7. open my wordpress account and type away….but to no avail.
  8. Happy thoughts didn’t work either.

Futile attempts to shoo away the blues.

I guess they’re here to stay longer than I thought.

Off She Goes

Screaming in the silence of her thoughts. Pallid in the wake of everything that surrounds her. She runs. She scrambles. She feels the presence of a maelstrom brewing. Cries resonating from afar continue to haunt her, the farther she runs, the nearer she hears. 

Ruins of the past flicker. And all the more it reverberates….RUN! RUN! RUN!!! She leaped and bellowed real hard, hoping that all these exist only in the deep recesses of her consciousness. But no, it is hounding, hunting her like a pack of hungry wolves.

She halts, then heaves deeply. Soon she feels she’s falling, free-falling while everything else is numb.

Then there’s silence. Her much needed silence.

Freedom finally becomes her.

 

 

 

Palitaw

Para kang palitaw…lulubog, lilitaw.

Para kang bula, na bigla na lang mawawala. 

Para kang hangin na di mapukaw sa tingin. 

Para kang payaso na minsan nakangiti, minsan nakanguso.

Ano ba talaga ang papel mo sa buhay ko? 

Dadating ka ng wala sa panahon, at

bigla na lang maglalaho kung kelan mo gusto.

Tama na. Ayoko na.  Isa kang palaisipan.

Hindi ako ipinanganak para maging pangalawa sa buhay mo. 

Dahil kung tutuusin, wala kang papel sa mundo ko.

Lost and Found

The internet never cease to amaze me. Ok, if you find it too cliche-ic, sue me. At least I found something to blog about before this li’l ‘ol turf gets buried to the eternal ho-hum world.

Aside from providing the information you need with just a few mouse clicks here and there, you get to find your long lost old chums in elementary and high school years, or you find yourself being hunted by some ghosts from your past. And I mean these “ghosts” whom the last time you remembered seeing them was when you wanted to hit them with a hefty thwack on their face. Ok, it’s a bit of an exaggeration but the thing is, you never thought that an ex-flame would find you again, of all places – thru Facebook. If I am to give credit to Facebook, it’s how it re-connects people who wanted to get re-connected; likewise, I discredit it for enabling people to track you down by a few kilobytes’ run or so. 

Anyway, after finding a number of people from my adolescent years and realizing that ex-flames sometimes do rise up from the dead, I’ve discovered a handful of recurring behavior that I find quite odd :

 

  • I’d mentally measure the poundage they’ve gained through the years by simply scanning their photos. If my estimate is more than my extra weight, well hell ya, I am relieved. At least, there’s more of them who are plus-sized than me. 
  • I’d take note if they have changed their surnames or not. Well, why not? It’s an assurance that I am not the only single woman standing in this world! Like, welcome to the club dearie!
  • Sometimes, I would silently comment how much older they looked than their age. So I admit, I can be shrewd at times. So sue me again.
  • Oh and I’d scan “the-ex’s”  profile for pictures of the wife. I get curious to see the one whom they ended up with. Then I see only imperfections – too fat, too dark, too old….hah! I’m prettier as always…hahahaha! Bitterness. tsk.

Tsk.tsk.tsk.  Me-is-bad. Me-is-rude. Me-is-bitter. 

Hey, I’m sure you’ve acted this way before. C’mon.

Hanging On

I am currently overwhelmed with the surge of thoughts running inside my head, that I find it difficult to pin down to this very spot.

It’s a bit of a challenge to freeze these thoughts and put it all together in one comprehensible, logical post. I tried. But it just didn’t work. I had several drafts landing in the trash….and if I keep on trying, heaps of rubbish will be sent to the bin.

So I find it best to return when this uproar has finally settled down.

I will be back. Definitely.