Gone for the Weekend

No matter how tedious packing your things may be….

I am always thrilled whenever I take my suitcase out of the closet to pack my things.

One thing I love about my job is that it rewards you with free travel after a year of hard work.

Off to Beijing! Ni hao!

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Some Good Things

They don’t really last.

For the past months, I thought I was sailing on calmer seas. Or rather, I was making a steady uphill climb. One. Step. At. A. Time.  This is something that I have worked for (and is still working on) since the beginning of the year. Somehow, there’s a glimmer of hope. That finally, after each careful step, I was finally on my way to reach that goal that I’ve been wanting to reach. 

Then it happened. A deluge of events suddenly pulled me back to where I started. I knew there’s a catch to all these. That sooner or later an anti-climax would tow me out of this temporary euphoria. And I was right. The sudden impact was indescribable, yet I couldn’t feel anything that I’d rather see myself crying than feeling dangerously numb. 

Yes, I think I’m back to square one, it will take doubled hard work before I could be near that purpose again.

Sigh.  

But anyway, I know I have to move on again….and find at least a flicker of thin hope that everything will be fine again.

Sigh. Some good things – never really last.

Chocolates and Ice Cream

Of late, I feel like a ten year old kid who is overly ecstatic about getting her share of her favorite chocolates and ice cream as a reward for something good she’s done. Nah, not that I’ve done something really good lately, but I just felt like I do deserve some chocolates and ice cream these days.

In about a couple of days, I’m off for a weekend getaway to my favorite summer destination. Yeah I know, it’s kinda late for a beach escapade considering that it’s already the start of the wet-and- above-the-waist-flood season, but what the heck, I feel like I so deserved this vacation. There came a point where out of desperation, I’d reserve an airline seat and a hotel room just one, if in case not a single travel friend comes in handy – no matter what the cost. But lo and behold, two of my friends are willing and able to come with me in such short notice.

Friends are indeed heaven sent. Oh well, in any case, I’m counting the days until I get a taste of chocolates and ice cream. My feet raring to feel those powdery white sand again. Oh and let me not forget a good book and an endless swig of red wine to complete this rainy season’s break.

Cheers!

Making Choices

Have you ever felt like being stuck in a deep sigh? Where you just wanted to heave a deep breath just to make things better? Where you’re so damn confused about certain things and each move you make needs to be assessed and reassessed in such a way that it would all help you steer closer to calmer seas?

It’s one of those days again. Just as I thought that the worst is over, that thinking is already over and done with, here comes change again, for the umpteenth time, out to challenge if there’s still an ounce of resilience running thru my veins or simply out there to see if I’d choose to runaway (again) and be buried inside my comfort zone forever.

I’ve been spending nights on end thinking about options. Listing down the pros and cons and weighing things that matter most. But by doing so I’ve come to realize that I cannot have the best of both worlds. And in as much as I wanted to hold on to things that are important to me, I do have to give up some to be able to move a step forward.

And I know that the more I delay things, the harder it gets; the more I think it over the more complex it becomes; the more people I talk to, the more confused I get.

But still, decisions have to be made. At the end of the day, it is still MY choice.

Sigh. If only life is as simple as saying yes or no

The Incredible Hulk

This afternoon, my patience unexpectedly snapped, thus triggered the release of that long-hibernating-monster inside of me.

Long story short, I got pissed with the way a subordinate answered me back over the telephone today. I gave him a task in preparation for tomorrow’s schedule, but it seemed he�has to be reminded every now and then about that task at hand. Of all things, I hate, hate it when I have to do follow ups. I hate, hate it when the person seemed to be not interested and downright indolent. And the more I hate it when he’s obviously bluffing, thinking that I would buy his stupid reason.

And worse, he laughed when I raised my voice a few decibels higher. His laugher pierced into my ears like blood rushing straight into my head. He thought that I was joking. As in. He thought I was JOKING� I was fuming mad. My voice reverberated up to the farthest end of the office walls.

Silence.

Trembling, I got out of my room, reached for my purse and headed towards the office pantry.�Then smoked two sticks of cigarettes in less than five minutes.

As I write, I can still feel my hands shaking. It’s like an aftershock following a strong earthquake. And I was thinking, maybe I was just a little too uptight. Or maybe because I’m on my way over the hill that my patience is wearing thin already. But still, there are some other people who’ll keep on knocking you off to bring out the worse in you.

I hate this feeling because I know it’ll take a while for this to wear off.

I hate this feeling. Because I’ll find it hard to sleep well tonight thinking that I unlocked the untamed monster again.

Rope’s End

end-of-rope.jpg

Sometimes, no matter howmuch we try, no matter how hard wetoilin an attempt tomove mountains, things just don’t turn out the way we wanted it to be.

And whileencouraging words from friends provide temporary reprieve, at the end of the dayyou’re still haunted with frustrations and despair. And you look around to seethose pillows andblanket unconditionally willing to keep you company for the rest of the night.

It’s just the second day of the week and how I wish this week’s over already.

12 Years and 40 Pounds Ago

This monthmarks my 12th year at work. 12 years. 12 freakin’ long years as a corporate slave. Lol.

So how am I doing so far?

My weight. I am a consistent topnotcher on the list of horizontally challenged people. Thanks to stress. It helped a lot wolfing down any edible thingwithin my reachonce stress levels are high. Yeah right. Trying to justify my weight issues.

My lungs. Oh my beloved lungs. Pressures proved to be manageable with puffs of nicotine from time to time.

My bank account.A flatliner. Looking at it makes me feel I’m a fresh graduate on a probationary status. The figures are almost the same 12 years ago.

People and places. There are people who made a difference in my life, then there are people who remained just that – acquiantances slash former officemates. Then I’ve had my share of places explored because of work. Fromas far as thesouthern tip of Mindanao to the very heart of the metropolis. And next week, another branch is waiting for me. That’s another story.

12 years. I’d like to be optimistic. I’d like to look at things and do things the way I did when I was a newbie. A timesheet reflecting a perfect attendance, and not the one I see now -a hagglebetween the 15 minute grace periodor filing a half day leave of absence. Or that drive whenever a new task is at hand; or resilience at the pangs of major changesseethingat the very core of my corporate life.

But then again, it has always been this way. A love-hate relationship.

And every day I remind myself, I work to live and not the other way around.